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Warrior to the Light, by Dane Rudhyar, 1952. Image Copyright © 2001  by Leyla Rudhyar Hill.

Warior of Light
by Dane Rudhyar, 1952




Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7






Part Five - 20 February 1951, 8:00 AM

Ron's letter came air mail, special delivery two days later, addressed to my home and postmarked San Francisco. So, they had flown West! It was a long letter.


Dick,

This is very difficult to write. But I must . . . for my sake and Emerald's as much as for yours. I must try to tell you candidly, honestly, what happened, omitting nothing of which I am aware. You have the right to know. I feel it a solemn duty to do all I can so you can understand why we left and left you, so suddenly, so discourteously. All I can do now is to write you, not as an apology, but as a gesture of sharing. Perhaps some day I shall be able to do more, granted that I understand correctly the meaning of the events of the last few days and what should be ahead of us, provided we are all strong enough.
      I can't be sure of what you were able to observe, and even more to feel, when we were together at Mr. Ramar's studio. I remember you seemed irritated, even hurt in some way; but everything was so strange, so incredibly strange, that I could not follow your reactions. I only seem to recall that in some way, for a while, you were linked with me; I could feel you remotely . . . your agitation, your mind's questioning. But perhaps I imagined it. What I did not imagine, I am sure, is that extraordinary sense of expansion and elation which seized me when I put on the metal chain Mr. Ramar gave me, and his eyes held mine as a magnet of light. I don't know exactly what happened. Emerald did not know either, she told me later, but she must have felt the same, judging from her description.
      How can I explain it? It was if my body was a throbbing magnet with myriad electric wires humming. All my muscles ached; they seemed filled and bursting with power, with speed. Yet, I could not have moved and inch I did try! Power! I don't think we know usually what power is. It is not doing things, feeling big and strong, virile and whatnot. I felt all that . . . in a way, but in an amazing way. A way of extraordinary stillness . . . perhaps I should say, an inevitable manner. Inevitable power power you do not seek, but rather which seeks you, pervades you, possesses you. It is you, and you are it. There is no conflict, no striving. It is peace; yet enormous activity, movement. . .
      I suppose I closed my eyes. I was no longer aware of the room, or anything in it only of waves of power, of a dance, a rhythm . . . perhaps a tone, I am not sure. Emerald said she was completely absorbed in one immense tone; immense, yet extraordinarily pure and still. I don't think it was quite the same for me. There was a sense of vast movement, and consciousness it hardly seemed "mine" in the ordinary way speeding along with a tide that had no shore.
      Then, there was a shore, I entered into something. I was something, moving, swaying. Slowly, I could feel myself "it," more precisely, more deliberately. A form of motion, a reaching out. A "desire," a will . . . such words seem so inadequate!
      How could I explain? I can only say that gradually consciousness became focused. I distinguished what seemed "myself" from other moving forms that whirled on. There was rhythm, flow, intelligence. An awareness of solidity as steadiness of movement. When water is whirled around very fast, it becomes solid to a bullet which rebounds upon it. Well, this was something like that.
      You may ask: Did you know you were on the planet Mars? How did you know?
      It is difficult to answer. I was somewhere in a place totally different from the ways of earth existence. It was a place. It had form, solidity, extension. There was power streaming upon it. I tried to reach out to that source of power; but it was almost shattering. Perhaps I should say "blinding." It blinded whatever was consciousness, "I."
      In retrospect, I would say it was the light of the sun. It pervaded everything. All the moving forms of which I was one were flooded with it. I do not recall any sensation of heat; but tremendous acceleration as I tried to "look at" it. Whether I had "eyes" or not, I could not say. But something "saw." Seeing, however, was not objective, as we know it here it was more like "resonating" to forces; but these forces were intelligent. They were beings with will. I sensed communication between us, but of what nature, I could not say.
      It must all have been so brief! I felt gradually as if I was letting go, as if I could not hold the awareness, so strong was the power, the movement, the waves of desire . . . which were somehow "me!" Then, there was a call. A great sound came from above perhaps from the sun. It took me, whirled me around, until all was light . . . golden, blinding light! Not only a sound, but a word a name, perhaps reverberated through my consciousness. I seem to change. Other forms, to, appeared different; more distinct, more humanly real.
      Then I was sucked outward, as every form surrounding me fell back. I seemed to race in space, but I could see nothing only movement. And, suddenly, I stood; I, but not I far more than I. I stood, very tall, very brilliant, is seemed. And beside me . . . Oh, beside me, she stood!
      How can I describe the indescribable! She was light and she was beauty. Her body was a song of shimmering color, more flowing than the most vivid Northern Lights. Here eyes were vast, like the sun-drenched sea, as the tropical sun plays upon the multitudinous waves. A body, did I say? Not a body, but a moulded light, radiant light.
      She stood. And I knew. I knew with a certainty that nothing can dispel, nothing could dismay. She and I. A dream? Oh, what reality could ever have been so vivid, that I had ever seen and called real!
      Then, darkness constriction weight. I saw Ramar holding you. I saw Emerald. I saw . . . within her eyes. I knew that she, too, had seen the I that I am, as I had seen her, the essence, the self of light.

Forgive me, if I could not talk after we left the studio. How could I? How could she? I knew you liked Emerald very much, perhaps loved her. I could not tell. I could not bear hurting you, if you did. I hadn't the courage to talk to you, to tell you in words what I have now written. I could not bear the thought of your arguing, doubting, fighting back. I knew it was inevitable.
      I found out you were out of the office, the next day. And I came. Perhaps I still had a few doubts. Perhaps she would not remember maybe she was not ready whatever that meant!
      But I saw her; and I knew she knew, she would never forget. And I begged her to come with me.
      Obviously, she could not work any more that day. And there seemed to be urgency; so much to say, to try to understand together, to consolidate. I had to know what she had felt, seen, while I experienced the strange world which I must call "Mars." Did she have the same realization? Had she seen me as I had seen her, afterwards? And so we went to her apartment.
      I can't try to write down all that she told me; I hope she will some day. The world she experienced was indeed different from what I had observed. It seems that it was filled with oval-like shapes of exquisite beauty and perfection, within which could be seen an intricate web of geometrical forms, changing into one another, upon which played iridescent light. She thought it was like an undersea world, for there was a substance which filled the whole space in which the beautiful shapes "bodies," no doubt seemed to float and move. But it was not water, not even clouds, she said rather some kind of magnetic fluid, which was energy even more than substance. Perhaps it is what our telescopes record as an "atmosphere of clouds?" How can we be sure that what our physical eyes see is what is in terms of an other planet's reality?
      Emerald said that she felt able to move within this fluid by altering consciously her magnetism, by playing a music of light. Everywhere there was sound. Every shape had its characteristic hum soft, high or low, but extraordinarily intense, haunting.
      As she talked, I sensed myself caught into a strange power that drew, drew irresistibly. She was standing, trying to describe the motions, the feel of this magnetic space . . . And the room seemed to vanish. She and I, we stood. Oh, the beauty of it. The immense beauty!
      And she became luminous. Her clothes were translucent. Her body no longer stood . . . only radiance, shimmering lights bending upon one another to become form, curved lines of light. It was so beautiful, I feel on my knees before her. Perhaps I sobbed, I don't know. How could I remember anything but that beauty?
      The light condensed. I reached to her, as she bent towards me, very human, it seemed and yet! She took my hands, and we stood, face to face. It must have been a long time. There was nothing to say, nothing to do only, to be. A vast light seemed to enfold us, stronger and denser between us. Power indescribable, joy, peace. It was so strong, I could hardly stand it.
      I saw her sway. . . overcome, perhaps. I took her in my arms, carried her to the sofa. I bent over her, on my knees. I could barely hear her whisper, "I am all right. Don't worry." I bent over her face, oh, so beautiful. And then, then it was as if some extraordinary force had caught me, was holding me motionless, frozen. I could only stare at Emerald, so near, so near; yet I could not move. I watched her whole body relax, as if she had gone out of it. I saw her eyes close, infinitely peaceful. "No, no! I couldn't be!" I was frightened. Yet, I couldn't move. Space, vast spaces swayed between us. I shivered. I was cold.
      With an enormous, desperate effort I cried out, "Mr. Ramar, help us! Oh, help us! Please!"
      I struggled to move. My head fell across her breast. I lay still totally still.
      How long, I don't know. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I straightened up, turned. Ramar was standing behind me.
      "You, here?" I muttered, stunned for a moment. "How did you come in?"
      He smiled, very gently. He took my arm. "Get up. She is all right. Human bodies are not adjusted to stand so much power and retain consciousness. She is resting now. She will return soon. You need not be afraid."
      I didn't know what to say. I tried to feel my arms, my legs, to move about simply to assure myself that I was not dreaming. Ramar did not appear to notice me; he was carefully fingering a small Tibetan bronze Dorje which stood on a table a symbol of power and authority used by high Lamas in ceremonies, and once give to Emerald's father. She remained absolutely still; I could not see her breathe at all. I paused, wondering . . . waiting for something.
      Finally, Ramar turned to me and looking intently said, "And now, Ronald, now that you have met your greater love can you stand the greatness of it? Can you love as planets do, as the cosmic tides of power love . . . the love that is . . . that does not spend itself in small gestures, within the narrow borders of materiality? Can you accept that love, and what that love points to, reflects, prefigures? Can you take your love as a path upon which you and she will come to know . . . shall I say God? The God that is not made in man's image, to suit man's small yarning but the cosmic God of Whom you are the image and likeness, if you choose to be so!"
      My heart was pounding. I sensed before me space, infinite space. No familiar shape to recognize, nothing to orient myself to, only space! It was so still. Frightening still. I tried to think, but I knew very well it was not a matter of thinking. What was asked of me, then? Will, faith, love?
      As if answering my thoughts, Ramar said softly, "All this, and more. It is You. Can you experience You? The true, the real You?"
      Some power seemed to seize me, to straighten me up like a rod; like a throbbing, flaming rod. My lips moved, and I heard the words they pronounced, slowly, distinctly, "I am."
      Ramar's eyes grew until they seemed like vast suns in space. His lips smiled. And, beyond myself, beyond my thoughts and even my will, I smiled back.
      And then a wave that was feeling, thinking, pain and joy all in one, raced through me, and I cried, "But Emerald? What of her? She must . . ."
      "She will." Ramar's voice was firm, intent. "It was your move, for you kept awake. She will follow you. It is for you to awaken her."
      I bent over the sofa. With the whole of me, with far more than I knew myself to be, I called, "Emerald! Emerald!" I saw her stir. "Wake up! Arise! I am here. Do you hear me?" Her eyes opened. She saw me. She smiled. "What happened?" she whispered. "Where am I?"
      "In your apartment. Mr. Ramar . . ." I turned. There was no one in the room.

I returned to my place on Long Island before midnight. It's a wonder I found my way. I was still dazed. The next morning, the mailman woke me up. A special delivery letter. It read: "If you choose to join me at the airport Sunday at 2:00 PM there will be two reservations on the plane for San Francisco, Eastern Airlines, in your names. Decide as you both see best. You are entirely free. Should you come, do not expect an early return. Peace be with you. R.M.R."
      It was then that I phoned you. What could I have said? I knew at once there could be only one answer. I knew also that Emerald should be free to make her own decision. I came to her that afternoon, as you had sent her home. I was afraid she was ill. But she seemed all right. I showed her the letter. She became very pale, then said, as she looked straight into my eyes, "If you go, I go."
      "We shall go, then." It was inevitable. It was also irrevocable.
      There was the excitement of what to do next about the multitude of details of our complex living today. What to pack, what to do about our apartments and things and what to tell you, above all. I wanted to phone you, to explain. But what could I have said in a few minutes? I knew what you probably would have told us arguments, entreaties, hours passing away. We were both in no condition to discuss, to persuade, or answer your logic. Of course, everyone we knew would think us completely insane. You might have done anything to stop us, to stop her, anyway. It simply could not be. There was no other way. I am sorry. I can only hope this letter will help you to understand and, if need be, to forgive.
      We met Ramar at the airport. He greeted us simply with these words, "I am glad you came."
      I am closing this long letter. What is ahead? I cannot tell.
      We shall not forget you if only because you brought us together. Destinies weave themselves into strange and wondrous patterns. Only the Great Weaver knows the purpose and only That within us which is He, in human form and limits, can decide what shall be the end. We go in faith. We have nothing else, absolutely nothing.
      Please think of us kindly. We will need your support, because in a sense you are part of us. And I know we shall return. This is not the end, Dick. This is the beginning. You, to, are in this beginning. Do not fight it. One can never fight facts. One can never change the inevitable, the irrevocable.

Always your friend,

Ron.

The same day an official letter came from Ron to the office, stating that a close relative had suddenly died on the West Coast and he was obliged to go and remain. He therefore had to give up his position as my assistant.


Read Part Six


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Copyright © 2001 by Leyla Rudhyar Hill.
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Illustation ("Warrior of Light" by Dane Rudhyar, 1952)
Copyright © 2001 by Leyla Rudhyar Hill.
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